My Curvy Reality

This morning I put on a pair of jeans. They felt a little odd. I looked in the mirror. They fit really well, but the waist seemed higher than any of the pairs of jeans I remember having. I was perplexed until I took them off and realized I had inadvertently put on my husband’s jeans. I was tempted to be horrified since they fit so well and he is 6 inches taller than I. To put it into perspective though, he is a really fit, 45 year-old elite athlete.  Still, his jeans have never fit me before. I’ve known for some time that my body is changing, but this little incident brought the reality of change crashing down on me.

No, I haven’t gotten fat. I’ve just shape-shifted. And put on a few pounds. Apparently this is normal for middle aged women and I should just accept it gracefully because my body is protecting itself for the coming changes. Easier said than done. Yet what else can I do short of something extreme like dieting or exercising more?

I know I know. Diet and exercise doesn’t sound extreme. But here’s a glimpse of my lifestyle: I eat mostly whole, fresh, organic foods, lots of veggies, very low sugar, moderate carb intake, no gluten. I eat less these days because even though I exercise, my body doesn’t seem to need what it used to. I run about 3 miles at a time a few times a week and I go mountain biking when I can for an hour and a half to two hours. I have an active job. I always take the stairs when I can and I usually run them.

Because of my healthy lifestyle I've been fairly comfortable and confident with my body over the last several years. Comfortable and confident, to me, means I don't spend much energy thinking about it - I'm free to not think about me. But now I’ve taken notice of my body and sadly, I have been self-conscious about it - sometimes in near panic mode wondering if I should try to be an athlete or go completely carb free. It is a very humbling and challenging experience.

After nearly a year of fighting with myself, telling myself that this is unacceptable and I must do something, I slowly came to a realization. My impetus for doing something is not that I am unhealthy and need to change. It is purely based on my perception that there is a standard I need to live up to - a freakish, cultural standard of beauty that I have internalized, believing that I have some inherent deficiency because I don’t look a certain way.

Yet this body does not define me. It houses me, but it does not define me. Who I am is not tied up in my body shape or size. I am being challenged to live in freedom. I am doing my part – making healthy food choices, exercising, building healthy relationships, sleeping and relaxing. So even though it may be awhile before I become comfortable and confident again, there’s one more choice I can make toward living in freedom: for today, I will choose to embrace my curvy reality.